Warcraft: A Medieval Warrior Cometh
by TheJackinati275
Summary: How will the people's of Azeroth deal with a warrior from a land called Earth, a warrior 16 years old, with a fiery temper, an uncontrollably horrid tongue and a 140-pound Drawback weight yew longbow, and his arming sword and buckler... Watch as he horrifies and amuses the Populace with his antics... Meant to be Crack, but with Historical Accuracy... A History-crack! MUHAHAHAHAHA!
1. Chapter 1: Saving The Damsel

Medieval: A Medieval Warrior Cometh

Disclaimer: Warcraft owned by Blizzard Entertainment.

How will the people's of Azeroth deal with a warrior from a land called Earth, a warrior 16 years old, with a fiery temper, an uncontrollably horrid tongue and a 140-pound Drawback weight yew longbow, and his arming sword and buckler... Watch as he horrifies and amuses the Populace with his antics... Meant to be Crack, but with Historical Accuracy... A History-crack!

You saw me mess around with gunpowder, now see me mess around with History... MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Author's note: This is meant to be a crackfic, only with Historical accuracy, thus making this a historically accurate Crackfic.

Prepare for the arrival of Jonathon Bartholemew Roberts of Surrey.

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><p>Chapter 1: Saving the Damsel<p>

What the Fuck was this, by God he was stuck in some forest, and not one that he was familiar with, the surroundings were different.

What had Jonathon gotten himself into, well okay he might have had an idea, maybe he shouldn't have burnt down too many french houses, or participated in one too many a raid with the other fellows, and that this was probably a punishment from god, even though he repented by taking lent and abstaining from meat... God damned meat and milk and all the nice stuff for a month or so, or maybe it was because he sold the gear he took from the french nobility to a jew to gain some money of which to feed himself on mutton and ale... But this, why god... I thought you were merciful.

And then, as if for no apparent reason, he heard the sound of a female screaming... and Jonathon wouldn't mind earning a gold or two, if the situation was one that he thought was going on... after all, one could make a pretty penny by saving a girl from rape... after all who wouldn't want to be saved from rape?... unless the lady were into cuckoldery or some such shit like in those french Fabliau's that he learned from several french jongleurs by word of mouth and rote memory repetition... and he even stole a lute from a nearby village, it was strapped to his back, you know, to entertain the other lads at the camp and stuff, even though he barely knew how to play the thing, at least one didn't need much strumming skill to take the piss out of the French and their silk grubbing bastard lord's.

Jonathon quickly raced through the wood's, his longbow held and a bodkin arrow in hand, ready to be nocked... and then he heard another feminine scream and a snorting sound.

"AAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH Blasted Tauren!"

"I will kill you for the Horde!"

Hehehehe, the lady was quite a... lady, with nice formed bosoms made from the Good-lord himself, and that skin colour, like a moor's, but exotic all on it's own, Jonathon himself wouldn't mind stuffing those melon-tit's with his Thomas... or of entering her maidenhead, if that beautiful figure had such, but he doubted that, what man wouldn't want a try? that lady could tempt a gelded monk into thoughts of devilry.

And then he saw the staunch fellow, oh ey, that lady was so getting saved, and her gold would be delicious, and perhaps he could try his most uncouth charms to get her in the hay-pile for a good lay, not that Jonathon had ever had a lay before... but how he wish he did... it was always in the forefront of his mind.

Decision made, he grinned like a conniving bastard at the thought of the money he could make for saving that goddess's beautiful body from harm.

Jonathon nocked his bowstring to his right cheek before he shouted out a sentence to attract the beings attention.

"Oi Cow-goat fuck, look 'ere"

Igalu Flamecaller turned his face over to look at who dared uttered such an offensive slur in his presence... and then he saw it, a measly boy of about sixteen or more, in a off coloured padded shirt, with a chainmail aventail and an oddly shaped, kettle like helm made of riveted steel... a Teenager dared to call him by such names!, and yet he looked to have seen quite a few battles, it showed on the scar on his nose and face, in a small line.

Jonathon released his thumb, index finger and middle finger and watched as his longbow stretched forth and the bowstring lost tension releasing the bodkin arrow forth... the Arrow struck the thing in the cheek and the shaft broke off upon impact, leaving a grotesque view of sharp splinters and the tip of the bodkin arrow right in the jaw muscle, the fucking thing was still alive... but Jonathon didnt barely give a fuck, he just reached his right hand back to reach fro his quiver of bodkin arrow's before retrieving another arrow, whilst simultaneously shouting out an insult in honest Jonathon style.

"In the Fucking gobber you Gelded Bull-stallion!"

Igalu was enraged... how dare that child insult him and damage him... Igalu would have no mercy, that Kid was dead!

Jonathon promptly nocked the Bodkin arrow until the bowstring reached his right cheek, before letting loose a new arrow, which found itself embedded right into the forehead of the thing before the shaft of the arrow split into two, the bodkin arrow with half its shaft embedded in the skull... what a gorgeous sight it was, if Jonathon would say so, and not a moment too soon, the creature fell down flat, but Jonathon wasnt sure that the thing was dead... not yet.

Jonathon placed his stouty english longbow over his back where the bowstring remained taut around his front, and then Jonathon reached out for his pilfered french arming sword and retrieved it from it's sheathe.

Jonathon walked up to the beast and holding the blade straight and true with his left hand to half-sword his blade, he used momentum and gravity to place his blade straight through six inches of staughty beast neck, before pulling the blade out, but he was not done yet, he struck the sword down into the beast neck a second time... just to make sure, and then he pulled out the sword.

The entire time, Lalnyssa Thunderbreeze was watching awestruck the entire time, how in elune's name did a human teenager kill such a beast, and with a bow no less... but what struck her was the crude and offensive taunting of which the teenager had delivered... in who's right mind taught a teenager to swear like that, and then she would be shocked again a moment later.

Jonathon sheathed his arming sword before he walked up to 'melon-tits' and held out his right hand.

"That'll be a shilling and four pennies"

Lalnyssa Thunderbreeze was completly shocked... who dared ask in such a tone... she guessed that he was asking for compensation, but then again she had no idea what shillings or pennies where.

"What is a shilling and pennies?"

Jonathon laughed before replying back.

"Why milady, a shilling is a silver coin, and a penny is made from copper... now make sure to pay the man... or he could just take it from you"

What a horrible devil of a child, who could dare raise such an oaf, he was more worse than an orc, something that she would have never thought to have said before.

When he noticed that 'Melon tits' wasn't paying up, he gripped at the hilt of his sword before issuing what was surely an insulting remark.

"Why milady, the more you keep me waiting, the more i want to rip open that cloth of yours and grasp your tits... that'll be equal compensation to me!"

Lalnyssa was beginning to take back that comment... he was more worse than a Demon, at least they had the decency to kill their prey and not steal from them, This child was such a Horrible brat, but her weapon was scattered across the field from her, and there was no other way to reach it than to pay off the brat.

Lalnyssa counted her coins before handing him the correct change... he bit into each coin before placing it into a pouch.

"My thanks milady... actually, i have an offer, i will pay you back the shilling if you let me accompany you... i don't know the terrain... This isn't Fai France by any chance?"

Lalnyssa did not want him anywhere near her, but then again, the Night Elves would not like it if word reached the ears of the Alliance that one of their sentries neglected in their duties to guard the people... so with grimace she decided to allow the child to stay, then again, she had never heard of this France before.

"What is France?"

Jonathon shrugged the question.

"well then, it seems god just said to me... Fuck it, and out ya go, to hell or other stranger places you go!"

And then the Kid was speaking Gibberish... this teenager was freaking her out... and then the Stranger offered his hand and began to lift up her arm... and then she noticed, his right arm was oddly much more muscular than his left one, which remained narrow... odd.

"Why is your arm more muscly on the Right arm than on your left one"

Jonathon couldn't help but turn that question into an innuendo.

"Why milady, you shouldn't have asked... that's my hand of which i use my tool... y'know on those lonely nights, no but seriously milady, that be from firing with me longbow"

Lalnyssa could take no more of his crude and vile language, so as soon as she was stable... she gave a strong slap to his cheek, the sound reverberated throughout the forest.

**-Schletch-**

Ouchie... Jonathon was reeling from that one, from the usual time's that he had been bitch-slapped, he hadn't been as so injured from this one, he felt light headed, but being the bull-headed bastard son of a whore that he was, he couldn't help but give another sexual remark.

"Why milady, that is quite the hand on you!"

Oh, the urge to put an arrow through that brat's eye was quite compelling... ERRRRGGGHHH!.

Jonathon decided to ease things off, by asking a stray question.

"So milady, what is your name... My name is Jonathon Bartholemew Roberts of Surrey, though i am also known as the most Uncouth Orphan-boy in all of Surrey, like i fucking care about that shit place, the bitches were prudes and the clergy were all sodomites"

Lalnyssa decided to not give a reply besides a grunt.

"NNNGGGGHHH"

Jonathon decided to give her a nickname instead... and he knew the perfect one.

"So, since you wont give me your name, how bout i give you a nickname instead... i will call you Melony"

And Lalnyssa, being the unassuming Night elf that she was, decided to ask her innocent question, not knowing that Jonathon was baiting her like a fish on a reel.

"Why Melony?"

And then Jonathon turned around and gestured with his two hands forming bowls around his chest, mocking her cleavage, before issuing his crude statement.

"Why else then for those melon-y breast's, those heavenly melon-like bosoms... mmmm"

Lalnyssa had had enough, she quickly grasped her moon glaive from the nearby bushes and pressed the edge of the blade against his neck.

"Speak another word and i will slit your throat"

Her point being made, Jonathon backed off, for now... but he knew that he would get her again... maybe he could ask if she wanted him to sing her a song, and if she said yes... oh he would make her absolutely mad!.

Jonathon grinned at the thought.

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><p>Oh No... What a Catastrophe just waiting to happen!<p> 


	2. Chapter 2: Setting Up Camp

Medieval: A Medieval Warrior Cometh

Disclaimer: Warcraft owned by Blizzard Entertainment.

How will the people's of Azeroth deal with a warrior from a land called Earth, a warrior 16 years old, with a fiery temper, an uncontrollably horrid tongue and a 140-pound Drawback weight yew longbow, and his arming sword and buckler... Watch as he horrifies and amuses the Populace with his antics... Meant to be Crack, but with Historical Accuracy... A History-crack!

You saw me mess around with gunpowder, now see me mess around with History... MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Author's Note: this will be quite a large crackfic by the way, generally Crackfic's are oneshot's, but i am trying to make a crackfic story, if that is possible, we shall see, also this is one of my first attempts at a humourous work.

Also, this chapter will be less about the Comedy or humour, and more a chapter to provide a better backdrop around Jonathon.

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><p>Chapter 2: Setting up camp<p>

Several hours of travelling later.

It was nightfall, the stars where shining above in the usual way, except for the oddest thing of all, Two Moons... Two god-damned Moons!, and Jonathon could barely keep up with his guide, not that he was exhausted or anything, it was just that he could scarcely see anything 6 meters away from him, it was pitch black and he could barely see the silhouette of 'Melony'.

"Let us set up camp" Jonathon heard the lady say from in front of him, though to be honest, the thing he was actually looking at where her firm buttock's, stunning as they were against the backdrop of the Moon's overhead.

Well, that sounded like a nice proposition, and Jonathon was already untieing his rucksack which contained within it most of his valuables including several woolen blankets of which Jonathon could sleep upon.

Jonathon began to lay down the woolen blanket on the flattest spot of land that he could find, but then he heard an awful roar from behind him, then found himself directly on the ground and getting his cheek and neck licked by the roughest sand-papery like tongue he had ever felt before... Jonathon swore that he almost shit himself in shock... and then he heard laughing from behind him, which both calmed him and angered him in equal amounts.

"HAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Jonathon turned around to see that it was a huge white cat-thingy with frosty blue eyes and two large fang-like things protruding from its jaw.

"Celeste, play nice... actually, give him a few swipes for me"

Well Jonathon adored cat's, why not, the little bastard's caught mice every once and a while, and they were soft and furry and emitted nice sounds when you petted them, so it was only natural that Jonathon would like them, and they also didn't give a shit if you were born an orphan or were a bastard, so they were better then most humans in that regard.

Jonathon reached out his right hand to scratch at one of the cheek's of the cat-thingy, and then he lowered the hand down to its chin before scratching up and down the chin repeatedly... Jonathon could get addicted to scratching that soft fur... the Cat lifted its head and pawed at Jonathon's face... the sensation wasn't exactly pleasant, but at least it didn't have its claws out.

Lalnyssa could not help but grin... that brat may have been a nuisance, but he looked so adorable (not that she would ever tell him that of course, he would probably use it as the centerpiece of some joke) when he was scratching Celeste, her Frostsaber mount and pet.

"Can you get the cat off of me please... i am afraid he might try to bite my face off"

Lalnyssa couldnt help but laugh inwardly before issuing a command to her pet.

"Celeste, come on, get off of the boy"

When Jonathon felt the large weight off of his body, he sighed in relief before facing melony who was busy scratching her pet.

"I told you before that my name was Jonathon, i am not some mere boy milady... I am a Jonathon, and you may refer to me as such... Melony"

Lalnyssa decided to just give Jonathon her name so that he wouldn't call him by Melony... that asshole.

"My Name is Lalnyssa Thunderbreeze, call me Melony again..." Lalnyssa tapped her moonglaive with her hand "then i will cut off your ball's"

Damn... Jonathon sure knew how to pick'em, he always got stuck with tough women, where were the easy one's... Then again, with tit's like those... he sure felt lucky to be her 'companion'... oh how he wished he could be that Cat-thing right now, to have those nice and slightly calloused palms gleaming along him.

Lalnyssa saw that the Teenager was not even looking at her face, but slightly downwards... Oh that lascivious perverted bastard... RGGHHHH!, How she wished she could strangle him... well she could, but then she would become exactly like him, so she would not stoop so low, not that she didn't wish that she could though.

Jonathon stopped staring for a moment and just decided to be helpful... a rare moment if any for Jonathon... so he decided that he would search for kindling and tinder wood and maybe a few branches here and there.

Jonathon sighed before he took off his Kettle Helmet and rested it near his rucksack, and then he loosened several strap's at the chin of his maille coif before he pulled it off of him, revealing to Lalnyssa his short, thin beard and mustache that had obviously not been shaved off for some time.

Jonathon laid the coif down inside the helmet and then stood up and walked towards the bushes.

"Where are you going?" replied Lalnyssa who saw as Jonathon turned his back.

"Where else but to get kindling and perhaps branches for a fire"

Lalnyssa didnt exactly trust Jonathon, and he needed a guide, it was not exactly safe to travel alone in Kalimdor, so she stood up straight and spoke back.

"Your not going out their alone, i will go with you, it is not safe to travel alone"

Jonathon laughed back slightly before replying.

"Just like back home in Gascony"

Lalnyssa just stared at him, this Human was strange, she had never heard of any places or towns by the name of France or Gascony, and then Lalnyssa remembered how he dodged the question earlier.

"What is this France and Gascony?"

Jonathon thought up of how to explain it.

"France is a country, it is full of Nobles and peasants and all that... Gascony is an English controlled region on France... France is at war with my Kingdom called The Kingdom of England... i am English and i speak London English, whilst the Parisian's speak Provencal and the Gascon's speak langue'doc"

"What, that is ridiculous, i have never heard of such places, and you are not speaking 'English', You are speaking Common"

"My Lady, i fear that i might be... sent from one realm or another... How is there two moons in the Sky?" Jonathon then pointed up to moon's "Where i come from, we only have the one"

"What, you only have just one moon!?"

"What did i just say, of course where i came from we only had one moon... Two moons is weird, you have one too many if you ask me"

"How did you come here?"

Jonathon shrugged his shoulders.

"Hell if i know milady, Either i committed one too many a sin or two, or i just got knocked on the head and i am all dreaming this... Those tit's of yours are really heavenly and i am lead to believe that i am just dreaming this all right now, Tit's like that don't grow off trees..."

**-Schletch-**

Ouch!... but pissing off the sharp eared lady was funny enough for the pain it earned him.

"I must be wrong then milady, you must be real because in a dream you feel no pain"

Lalnyssa tapped her Moonglaive again, causing Jonathon to quieten.

The duo took twenty minutes to gather enough kindling and sticks for a decent sized camp fire, when they returned to the camp site, they saw that Celeste was sleeping on one of side's of Jonathon's woolen blanket's.

Lalnyssa snorted whilst Jonathon just laughed before replying.

"It seems your cat has taken over his side of my bed... i guess it means i will have to sleep next to your big cat"

Lalnyssa decided to correct Jonathon.

"Celeste is a she... and she is not a cat, she is a Frostsaber"

"Whatever, lets make that fire, me fingers are cold"

The duo quickly set about pileing up small stones around in a circle, then began piling up the kindling and then the stick's, smallest at the bottom and thickest at the top.

Jonathon was reaching for his rucksack for his flint and steel, but then noticed that for no apparent reason, there was a spark already inside the kindling... how the hell did that happen!.

Jonathon turned to look at Lalnyssa before speaking.

"How the hell did you do that?"

Lalnyssa decided to do what Jonathon would do, deflect the question.

"Did what?... i did nothing at all"

"Heh..." blurted out Jonathon.

Well, that was easy, Jonathon had to admit, he was terrible with starting fires in the first place and he was happy that he didn't have to start up the fire.

And then there was awkward silence as both people began to just sit down, do some minute chores and warm themselves there in silence, Jonathon flicked his fingers, and then decided to break the silence between them two.

"Right... you must not know much about where i come from right...well how bout i sing a song in Langue'doc... its called Ja Nus Hons Pri... that means No man who is Imprisoned.

Lalnyssa was interested, she hoped it didn't involve lewd features.

"What is the song about?"

"The song is about King Richard the First, Cour de Lion, and his imprisonment"

Jonathon reached for his four course stringed lute and retrieved it from his rucksack, bringing the butt of the instrument to rest against his upper chest whilst he adjusted his leg to help stand the instrument... when he was sure that the lute wouldn't give way whilst playing, he began to strum slowly before raising his voice to sing.

"Ja nus hons pris ne dira sa raison"

Lalnyssa had no idea what he was saying, but the depth and the tone of Jonathon's voice was one of both mourn and lament... it was so different from Jonathon's usual attitude and tone.

"Adroitement, se dolantement non;"

"Mais par effort puet il faire chançon"

"Mout ai amis, mais povre sont li don;"

"Honte i avront se por ma reançon"

Lalnyssa was captivated.

Jonathon continued to sing for a further three minutes, before stopping.

Lalnyssa didnt know what to say... he was quite an accomplished singer although his playing skills needed refinement, but what truly moved her was the tone of his voice and the way the strange language fell from his lips and into her ears.

There was a silence that stayed over the duo, until Jonathon placed his Lute into his rucksack, he then stood up and spoke to Lalnyssa.

"Lalnyssa, i will be going to sleep now."

Lalnyssa nodded her head in understanding.

Jonathon walked over where his woolen blanket was before he undid his quilted Gambeson, it took about one minute to fully remove, but when it did he threw it in the general direction of his Rucksack.

Jonathon then took off his Linen shirt, revealing his skin to the outside air, Jonathon then threw that towards the Rucksack like the Gambeson before it.

Lalnyssa saw a branded sign on Jonathon's right arm.

"What is that Brand"

Jonathon was already in the process of removing his steel kneecap's from his woolen chausses when he spoke up.

"Most orphans took to begging to make ends meet, but i took to purse cutting, but one day i was caught by the person i was trying to rob... he was the son of some noble, and when he caught me he forced me into an alleyway and was about to rape me, but my screams where heard by nearby guardsmen and i was saved before the man could try anything... we were both brought to the Courthouse where the man was found guilty of attempted rape, he was sentenced to be castrated, hung till he was half dead and then to be quartered whereas i was found guilty of Thievery and was branded on my right arm with the letter T for thievery... if i was ever caught committing thievery again, i would lose my right hand... so i quit purse-cutting, i was 10 at the time"

Lalnyssa decided to stay quiet, she now had some understanding on why he was so crude and rough.

Jonathon had removed his woolen chauses and his buckled ankle boot's by the time he had finished speaking, the only remaining clothing on his body were his leather belt and his knee-length braies, he was naked everywhere else.

Jonathon lowered himself down near the Frostsaber and began to wrap himself with the available blanket that was left.

Lalnyssa saw as he cradled himself near Celeste, and then began patting her before he fell asleep a few moments later...

It was an adorable sight, she had to admit... and her view on the brute had changed slightly, she now knew where he was coming from so to speak.

Lalnyssa climbed up to the treetop of a nearby tree before stretching herself out and falling asleep against several branches that were strong enough to support her weight.

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><p>So what did you think?<p>

Please Reply, i want to know how you thought it was, this is one of my first tries at a humourous style of writing and i want to know if it is humourous... Humour is hard work.


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